What the Psychologist Says About IVF#1

"Gina, you are probably not going to get pregnant on the first cycle. You need to realize that. Statistically it takes 2.7 cycles."

Wow. OK, that makes it way harder to go into this with a positive, hopeful attitude. This is what the Psychologist told us at our IVF appointment this Wednesday. All that money, all that weight gain, knowing it's not gonna work? Well, that just seems crazy. I'm trying to tell myself there's no other way they'll know how I'm gonna respond than to do this first cycle. But of course, I want it to work the first time.

At my clinic, the pregnancy rates for my age group 21% per cycle. The live birth rates for my age group are 10-15%. So as near as I can tell, I'm basically just signing up to give away a bunch of money and gain a bunch of weight for nothing. And I've already started playing those mind games. Well, those women have probably been trying for like 20 years. And those women probably didn't even respond to the Clomid (I did!) I'm trying to differentiate myself from those other women in all sorts of bizarre and complex ways. But how else do you get through it? I know their responsibility is to let you know the statistics so you don't want to kill yourself at that first negative pregnancy test, but what the hell? What about hope? I need the hope to push me through this crazy, medicated hell.

I've got this weekend and next weekend to be normal. Then the shots start. I'm trying to enjoy it, but her words are haunting me. And making me question this decision.

Cost of IVF Meds

$2178. Wow. I'm still in shock. And that's with my insurance covering 75%. I really don't know how women with no infertility coverage do this.

Don't get me wrong, I realize I'm lucky and that this is a fraction of what some people end up paying. And I'm thankful I'm in the position to be able to do it, even if it is going to set me back quite a bit. It's just that I was totally unprepared for this. Clinic, fail! You would think they would have discussed this with me somewhere along the way. Because, well, what if I didn't have 2 grand for IVF meds? I'd have gone through all this trouble, these weeks of birth control pills, only to have to back out of the whole thing. Then I'd have to stab somebody.

Had I known a few months ago when we made this decision, I could have been saving my money rather than buying writing classes and all sorts of other unnecessary stuff.

Here's what I'm supposed to take. If you know of any secret dream pharmacies where I could get any of these on the cheap, please let me know.

Follistim 225 x twice a day

Menopur 75 x once a day

Ganirelix

Ovidrel

Progesterone

Ready, Set, IVF

Another failed Clomid cycle plus a couple unmedicated ones later and I'm staring down the barrel of IVF. I don't even know how I got here. I remember a year and a half ago when we first started considering trying to have a baby and I was certain I wouldn't do fertility treatments. Later, well maybe just Clomid. Now, all the way baby. It's amazing how your limitations change the more desperate you become.

I had my medication education today. There's a chance I could be doing 4 injections per day. 4!! The bad thing is that's not even what I'm worried about. I've got a lot of anxiety about the sedation for the retrieval. And oh my God the progesterone shots. I'm not asking him to help me with shots. It's better this way. But there's no way I can give myself the progesterone. I work with a bunch of nurses so Monday through Friday is not a problem. But weekends for 9 weeks will be hard. I need a rent-a-nurse.

I'm on birth control pills right now, which I'll need to take for 22 days. That's right, I'm so lucky I get to buy a whole extra pack just for one pill because my clinic can only start two patients on meds per day and my day was already taken. If that's the worst thing that happens, I'll take it!

According to the schedule the nurse did for me, my retrieval should be between April 11-16th. And I had a business trip scheduled on April 16th which necessitated me telling my boss about the whole thing. I hope I don't regret that later.

We finish up our appointments tomorrow which will include providing a back up sample for freezing, a history and physical and meeting with my RE, and a session with a psychotherapist. All mandatory at my clinic. So that's that.

I'm scared shitless.

Nearly Here

It's almost over. I can tell. I did a test this morning, on CD12 and it was negative. I was so hopeful that I'd willed my left tube open this month.

Like many people's blogs I'm reading this week. I'm ready for 2009 to be over. I don't mean to wish my lift away, but this year has been big ole bitch. I'm glad to see it go. I love that we got married this spring, but other than that, it has sucked balls.

I'm tired of making New Year's resolutions that I never keep. This year, I thought of just making a to-do list. Like...

1. Plant my vegetable garden on time.
2. Learn to sew a quilt.
3. Hem my pants with my new sewing machine.
4. Can more stuff with the bazillion tomatoes I'm planning to grow.
5. RELAX and enjoy the vacation we've got planned for January and February.
6. Start on my book, hopefully with the help of my soon to be newly formed writing group.
7. Start a cleaning schedule and STICK TO IT!

Do you do New Year's resolutions? If so, what's your success rate?

Left Ovary Gets a Star

I had my cycle day 12 ultrasound today and they found 3 beautifully mature follicles.

24mm

23mm

17mm

YAY, Go ovary!

Yeah, but there's just one thing. They're all on my blocked side. That's right folks. My left tube is supposedly blocked and all these babies-to-be are nestled inside my left ovary. Whose a lucky girl?

I just keep praying that the HSG was wrong and that my left tube isn't even blocked. It's a horrific procedure and I can totally imagine why a fallopian tube would freak out and spasm like crazy when out of nowhere, somebody starts shooting dye in it. So, that's what I've told myself. My tube is NOT blocked! In yoga today, I focused all my healing breaths right at my left fallopian tube. I imagined a beautiful gold light there and I imagined exhaling anything that's blocking it right out into the air. I'm positive that it worked!

I also have a horrible story about the cluster eff that I ended up with while trying to get my trigger shot filled. What a nightmare. Keeping it short - I had to give the shot to myself. My weekend had been so crazy and I've been in such a rage these days (I blame the Clomid!) that I could have cared less about sticking a needle in my belly. It was no big deal. It didn't hurt, and I'd totally do it again. I'm sort of glad this happened because on the off chance that I don't get pregnant this cycle, there's a chance we'll be in Vegas next month on the day I'd need to trigger. This way, I can just do it myself. Who needs doctors!

Cycle Day 3 Ultrasound

I had my cycle day 3 ultrasound today. Boy, my clinic runs awfully efficient. I was in and out in less than 30 minutes. I'm not kidding!

This clinic opens at 7:00 am Monday-Friday and 8:00 Saturday and Sunday. Anybody who needs cycle day 3 labs or ultrasounds just shows up between 7-8 during the week or 8-8:30 on the weekend. They give you a number and then call back 4 or 5 girls at the same time. We walked in a group dropping a girl in each exam room along the hall. The ultrasound only takes about 2 minutes then you go back to the waiting room to wait for the nurse.

her "everything looks fine. do you have your Clomid?"

me "yes, I picked it up yesterday."

her "OK start taking that tonight and come back on December 13th (Sunday) for your ultrasound. Bring the trigger with you, you should have refills on that, too."

And that was that. Several hundred dollars for 30 minutes. Infertility is big business!

One Failed Clomid Cycle, Officially

4 days late but it's finally here. Boy, is it here!

Maybe I'm weird but I think the first 2 weeks of the cycle are way better than the last. I can't stand the two week wait. The phantom pregnancy symptoms, the emotional roller coaster of "I think I'm pregnant!" and "There's no way I'm pregnant" is too fucking depressing. I hate it. I much prefer the part where I'm working towards something, rather than just sitting around waiting for an answer.

In writing that last sentence I realize I have a major problem with just waiting. It infects every part of my life. When my husband was still deciding about whether he wanted to try to have a baby, the waiting nearly drove me crazy. And because of that, I nearly drove him crazy. I really struggled to give him the time he needed to work through his natural decision making process. I make decisions rather quickly and then just start working towards the goal. That is not to say that I make decisions haphazardly. In fact, I do tons of research for even the most miniscule decisions. But I do it swiftly, weigh the options, decide then act. It works for me most of the time, but when I have to consider the feelings and pace of another human being (my husband) or acquiesce to my ovaries, I go sorta crazy. The waiting and inaction can really turn me into one crazy bitch.

I think I just had a light-bulb moment. I have no idea what to do with it, but that was definitely a light-bulb.