Friday, July 31, 2009

How Progesterone Is Making Me Feel

I started taking progesterone about 5 days ago and all of a sudden my breasts are huge! And sore! I'm using Prometrium 200mg pills but I'm using them as suppositories per my doctor's direction. At first I thought maybe the breast thing was a pregnancy symptom but according to the Internet, it's just one of the side effects. Lucky me.

My father-in-law died on Tuesday.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Demotions Hurt Feelings Answered Prayers

As if I wasn't stressed enough trying to handle everything going on in my life while I try to get pregnant, I got demoted today. Punch!

Even though I've put in years of hard work for this organization and many many long hours that kept me from my family, I don't know why I'm surprised. They're cut-throat and I always knew that.

The best part is that they want me to go in tomorrow morning and pretend like this is my idea, not theirs. If you knew me, you'd know that's just not how I roll. I'm not a bullshitter, to a fault. I suppose if told people what really happened "you can take this other position, or we will process a termination immediately", that could make them look bad - GOD FORBID!

I've been praying for nearly two years for some help with my job situation. Since I was promoted to manager, it's just been hell. I'm a really good leader, but very mediocre manager. I hate it. I hate the politics of it all. I hate firing people, writing them up, shaming them into doing stuff. Basically, I do suck at the job. But, being demoted from a manager to a supervisor in a completely different section is going to be riddled with rumors and embarrassment. I wish it was next Friday.

The good thing about this is that, well, maybe it is an answer to my prayers. I really have been overly stressed for 2 years and I blame work for 75% of that. Trying to have a baby at my age has just made things worse. Not to mention, now I'll be able to enjoy the Bulls games without worrying whether I'll be able to leave work in time to make it to the game at 7:30 and I probably won't feel obligated to be tied to my blackberry waiting on the next shit storm from my boss, half paying attention to the game.

At this point I'm just rambling. I'm hurt and embarrassed. And relieved and pissed off. And hurt and embarrassed.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

"Don't Call Me Infertile!"

Last August when my guy gave me the first inkling that he was re-considering having kids, I rushed over to my OB/GYN to see what I needed to do to start getting my body ready. Just in case.

When I mentioned to her that we were "negotiating" about it, she immediately goes "OK great! I'll refer you right over to a fertility specialist!" Wait! What? But I don't want that. I haven't even started trying yet! But at your age and blah blah blah...

I refused. I was already taking prenatal vitamins prescribed to me by my Internist when I told her we were thinking about it. That day my OB/GYN did a few blood tests including a genetic test for Cystic Fibrosis which I found weird since nobody in my family or his has it. But, whatever, it's a blood test. But as I was leaving the office, the doctor hands me this piece of paper meant to explain another test she wants me to have. At the top of the page I read


I was pretty offended by it. Having not even started trying to conceive yet, I couldn't understand why she would assume I was infertile based on my age alone (I was 40 at the time).

I don't like labels. I feel like labels like "Infertile" and "Alcoholic" push people into victim-hood. Before you know it, you're hanging out with a bunch of other people who've been labeled like you and the next thing you know, the label has defined you as a person. I just don't see the point of it. To me, it seems much more productive to not own these labels.

In the end when we did finally decide to start trying, I had the "basic infertility workup" after all. Day 21 Progesterone level was 18. "Anything over 10 is good" they told me. Still, here I am shoving progesterone pills up my privates for the second month because, even though my numbers were OK, the very month we starting actively trying to conceive I started spotting like mad the entire week prior to my time I was supposed to start my period.

I'm starting to view this whole fertility/infertility thing a little differently now. That, or I'm getting sucked in just like all the others.