She Won't Call It Negative, Yet

17 days past ovulation

spotting since 10dpo

negative pregnancy test

I have read all sorts of stuff on the web about Clomid causing a longer than usual luteal phase but I decided to call my RE today, anyway, to ask what I should be doing.

me "I'm 3 days late but with a negative pregnancy test. Does the Clomid cause a longer cycle?"

her "Not really."

me "Well, what should I do?"

her "Wait until you are 10 days late and test again and call me with results. Negative, I'll give you something to make you start. Positive, we'll do blood work and an early ultrasound."

me "I don't think I'm pregnant. I've been spotting since 10dpo just like I was doing before my period in prior months."

her "Well, not necessarily. A lot of women have spotting in early pregnancy."

me "Is it possible that my 'spotting' could have been my actual period?"

her "I don't think so. Your endometrial stripe was 9mm so you should have a normal period."

Just when I'm getting past the sadness of another negative, she throws me a bone. Stringing me along like a bad boyfriend.

On Age

I read a blog post the other day that really resonated with me. Romancing the Stone wrote about how comfortable she was with her age. It's something I've been obsessing about for a year or so. I'm 42 now. I'm 42 now. Wow. Even writing that is weird to me. But when I think about it, I don't think I'd change anything. I needed every single experience I've had to get to where I am today. And, although there are a lot of things I'm struggling with today, I know I'm in a good place.

I find myself staring at mothers I pass wondering how old they are. I constantly think about what it would be like to be the 62 year old mother of a 20 year old daughter and the struggles that might bring. I think about what it could be like for my child to bury his/her mother, maybe even before building a family to cry with. But the funny thing about it is that I never spend a single second thinking about the good things that would come from having a baby later in life. I'm in a loving relationship now for the first time ever. I'm more financially secure than I've ever been. I have the wisdom of a 42 year old woman which could go a long way when giving advice to an impressionable child.

Today I'm trying to embrace my age. To be OK with it. I don't want to view it like a fertility death sentence. I'm starting to believe that we AMA's have been negatively convinced by all that we read and all that the doctors tell us, to such and extent that it is really preventing us from getting pregnant. I don't want to be that girl anymore.

First Clomid Cycle

I'm just finishing my first Clomid cycle. Like many others, I was just sure it had worked this time. Then this morning, the spotting started.

100mg on days 3-7. I didn't think the side-effects were that terrible. Not like I expected. Although I did have some sort of emotional breakdown over this old country grandma on Wife Swap.

To be honest, I was just so happy that I even responded to the Clomid. My FSH was 12 when I had it tested a few months ago. And I'd read that that usually means you won't respond well to ovarian stimulation drugs. I ended up with one 20mm follicle and two 13mm follicles on my right side. This is the side with the open tube but only a partial ovary. I triggered on day 12. Then the TI started. I really hate it. It's so unnatural and stress-inducing for both of us. We only managed to hit around 12 and 26 hours.

I guess I'll do another cycle. I'm curious to see what happens on my left side, assuming that I alternate ovulation like normal people. I think what happens on the left might give me a better idea of how seriously I should consider IVF.

I'm close to conquering my caffeine addiction. I've reduced my intake from over 800mg per day to under 100. I'm hoping after tomorrow I'll be caffeine free forever. I've had some really terrible, and surprising side-effects that I just knew were early pregnancy symptoms. Like insomnia. Who ever heard of caffeine withdrawal causing insomnia?

And I'm still having that pelvic discomfort from ovulation to my period. I don't even want to think about what that could be.

So, that's that. I can't believe we've been trying for 8 months already. Depressing.