About My Caffeine Pill Addiction

I've been addicted to caffeine pills for over 10 years. One morning I was sleepier than usual so I tried to drink a cup of coffee but I found the taste really disgusting. I remember thinking "if I could just find this stuff in pill form." Years and years later, it's still the way I start every day. There is no telling how much money I've spent on these pills or what it has done to my internal organs. My husband calls it my "crack." He hates it.

I've quit 2 times for about 3 months each time. Once when I was having panic attacks on a regular basis (can you imagine how stupid it is for somebody with panic disorder to take several caffeine pills every day?) and when I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I needed surgery to remove my thyroid and since they were going to be shooting me up with all that anesthesia, it seemed like a good idea to do what I could to reduce my chances of contributing to my own death by mixing caffeine pills with the already kinda dangerous drugs they were going to give me.

And in the interest of transparency, I take so much caffeine during the day that I need something to help me sleep. I've had periods of my life where I took actual sleeping pills to go to sleep but thankfully I kicked that habit months ago. Now I just use Benadryl (I say that like it's OK but I'm aware that it's not.) I've bought about as much Benadryl over the years as I have caffeine pills.

I'll be 42 next month. We've been trying to get pregnant for 5 months and I know that studies have shown women who consume caffeine are way less likely to get pregnant, yet I continue to take the pills. Insanity! I've cut back. I'm only taking it in the morning as of the past week or so. And last night I went to bed Benadryl-less. I saw my Acupuncturist yesterday and I'm pretty sure she'd like to fire me. "Have you stopped taking the caffeine pills yet?" I'm spending all this money on Acupuncture and Yoga yet not doing the one thing that I know is contributing to me not getting pregnant. I'm a genius! I'm ashamed of myself.

I'm taking the month of September to get my shit in order. Including cutting out the caffeine once and for all. We're not trying this month. For reasons I don't really want to talk about right now. Instead of sitting around pouting about it and feeling sorry for myself, I'm really going to try to focus on wellness.

By the way, I have no idea where I am in my cycle. I'm either at 5.16 with heavy spotting (my temp is still up) or I'm at 6.2 with a very light period and a high temp. Tests = negative.