Cautious Optomism

I've been so afraid to write anything for fear I'd start spewing insults about my husband over his sudden doubt about having a baby. Today things feel better.

My husband is one of those glass-half-full type of dudes. He is my favorite person in the world and my best friend, but his negativity has always driven me crazy. What I mean is that he tends to place more weight on the bad stuff in life than the good stuff in life. He looks at the wackness - I look at the dopeness.

Since the death of his father, all he can think about is how he wouldn't want to bring a child into this world that would eventually suffer like he has, over the death of his father when he dies. For me, the frustrating part of this is that we have taken nearly a year to come to the decision to try to have a baby, then in one day it felt like it was all gone. I felt like there was a dream sitting right in front of me, within my reach, then somebody came along and stole it while I turned away. Unfair!

And just when I was starting to try to envision a life without this imaginary family I've grown attached to over the past year, something changed with him. A coworker who he trusts and admires came back from maternity leave. They had a candid conversation about his recent doubt over and she told him "I'm a pretty negative cynical person but I haven't had a bad day since she was born. Even when my grandmother died, I wasn't that sad because she just brings so much joy to my life. This could be exactly what you need to brings some light to a very dark time in your life." Praise God!

I guess sometimes it just takes a neutral party to help you see things differently. She didn't say anything particularly different from what I've said to him over the past 2 months, but when it comes right down to it, I've got an agenda with him and she doesn't.

I'm feeling more hopeful today but at the same time my evil self is sitting on the right saying "don't get your hopes up. You've been here before. It could all still be stolen."

The Verdict Is In

Cyst on left ovary. 2.1 cm x 1.7 cm.

Blocked left tube.

Only part of a right ovary.

Damn near 42 years old.

Lucky me!

Fear and Pelvic Pain

I've been having quite a bit of pelvic pain over the past 2 months. It started last cycle when I had really bad pain during ovulation. The pain stopped right after ovulation but then started again around cycle day 21 and didn't stop until after my period was over. This month it has continued right through my period and I'm scared.

I have an appointment with my OB/GYN in the morning. They'll do an ultrasound first and I'm just praying everything is OK.

Infertility Hath No Boundaries

Words I need to say but can't. I am so sorry that I'm so fixated on having a baby that I'm being insensitive and unsupportive.

Today I was bitching and complaining about something he said (3 weeks ago!) and he burst into tears. "I feel like I am being judged like a normal person, like everything is normal. Nothing is normal. I think about him all day every day. I am trying to move forward but I'm dying inside. I never thought I'd miss him this much. I realize now that nobody ever loved me as much as he did."

Infertility takes over everything. Sometimes I wish we'd never decided to have a baby. It's turning me into somebody that I hate. That I'm afraid he'll end up hating, too.

About My Caffeine Pill Addiction

I've been addicted to caffeine pills for over 10 years. One morning I was sleepier than usual so I tried to drink a cup of coffee but I found the taste really disgusting. I remember thinking "if I could just find this stuff in pill form." Years and years later, it's still the way I start every day. There is no telling how much money I've spent on these pills or what it has done to my internal organs. My husband calls it my "crack." He hates it.

I've quit 2 times for about 3 months each time. Once when I was having panic attacks on a regular basis (can you imagine how stupid it is for somebody with panic disorder to take several caffeine pills every day?) and when I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I needed surgery to remove my thyroid and since they were going to be shooting me up with all that anesthesia, it seemed like a good idea to do what I could to reduce my chances of contributing to my own death by mixing caffeine pills with the already kinda dangerous drugs they were going to give me.

And in the interest of transparency, I take so much caffeine during the day that I need something to help me sleep. I've had periods of my life where I took actual sleeping pills to go to sleep but thankfully I kicked that habit months ago. Now I just use Benadryl (I say that like it's OK but I'm aware that it's not.) I've bought about as much Benadryl over the years as I have caffeine pills.

I'll be 42 next month. We've been trying to get pregnant for 5 months and I know that studies have shown women who consume caffeine are way less likely to get pregnant, yet I continue to take the pills. Insanity! I've cut back. I'm only taking it in the morning as of the past week or so. And last night I went to bed Benadryl-less. I saw my Acupuncturist yesterday and I'm pretty sure she'd like to fire me. "Have you stopped taking the caffeine pills yet?" I'm spending all this money on Acupuncture and Yoga yet not doing the one thing that I know is contributing to me not getting pregnant. I'm a genius! I'm ashamed of myself.

I'm taking the month of September to get my shit in order. Including cutting out the caffeine once and for all. We're not trying this month. For reasons I don't really want to talk about right now. Instead of sitting around pouting about it and feeling sorry for myself, I'm really going to try to focus on wellness.

By the way, I have no idea where I am in my cycle. I'm either at 5.16 with heavy spotting (my temp is still up) or I'm at 6.2 with a very light period and a high temp. Tests = negative.

Today is day 5.14. (month 5 of trying to conceive and day 14 of this cycle)

I've been spotting and cramping consistently for days. Still, my mind plays tricks. Maybe I'm pregnant.

Yoga for Fertility

I had my 4th private yoga lesson tonight. I don't really feel all zen and calm like I'd hoped, but considering the hell stress I've been through over the past few weeks, maybe this is as zen as it gets.

I first read about yoga for fertility in the book Fully Fertile. The book is a 12 week holistic program designed to prepare you for conception and includes everything from diet to exercise. The first part of the book is dedicated to yoga and there are pictures and detailed instructions on how to do the poses which are specifically designed to increase blood flow to the reproductive organs. Since the book also recommends acupuncture, which I'd been wanting to try again (for fertility this time), I made an appointment with an acupuncturist in my area who has a lot of experience treating infertility. When I went for my initial consultation with the acupuncturist, I was thrilled to learn that I could get private yoga lessons right there in the same building. Not only that, they had a copy of the same book, Fully Fertile, on the shelf. I made an appointment with the yoga instructor and told her that I'd like her to show me how to properly do the poses from the book and when I showed up for my first yoga lesson, she'd done her homework and we moved right into positions that would target my reproductive organs and to relaxation poses because, well, I was sort of freaking out on many levels at that point.

If I was rich, I'd have at least one private yoga session and an acupuncture treatment every week. I love the idea of it and I am so in love with the clinic that I never want to leave. It's the most peaceful place I've ever been to.

Infertility

OK - I get it. Infertiles seek out and befriend other infertiles because nobody else understands what they're going through and some of it is just too embarrassing to talk to regular people about.

Consider me labeled.

Trying To Conceive Is Making Me Crazy

It's sad how the mind can play tricks on you.

This month, I was just sure I was pregnant, again. Even though we were officially "not trying" this month, we had unprotected sex on day 12 and 14 and since I had a positive ovulation predictor test on day 13, it seemed like we really did "try" after all. At the exact right time.

I started taking (or "using" - I still don't know what to call what I do with them) the Progesterone 2 days after the positive ovulation test but unlike last time, I had some pretty serious pregnancy-like symptoms. Like a big dork, I started taking pregnancy tests 8 days past ovulation.

Cramps starting 10 days past ovulation - no biggy! maybe "my uterus is just growing" (I've read that on a million fertility sites.)

Spotting with cramps starting day 11 - no biggy! maybe it's "implantation bleeding" (I've read that a million times, too.)

And even though I was vehemently opposed to all this infertility hoopla, for the past 2 days I've taken negative pregnancy tests, photographed the test then tried to do all sorts of shit to the picture to visualize a second line that is clearly not there.

I'm ashamed of myself.