Cautious Optomism

I've been so afraid to write anything for fear I'd start spewing insults about my husband over his sudden doubt about having a baby. Today things feel better.

My husband is one of those glass-half-full type of dudes. He is my favorite person in the world and my best friend, but his negativity has always driven me crazy. What I mean is that he tends to place more weight on the bad stuff in life than the good stuff in life. He looks at the wackness - I look at the dopeness.

Since the death of his father, all he can think about is how he wouldn't want to bring a child into this world that would eventually suffer like he has, over the death of his father when he dies. For me, the frustrating part of this is that we have taken nearly a year to come to the decision to try to have a baby, then in one day it felt like it was all gone. I felt like there was a dream sitting right in front of me, within my reach, then somebody came along and stole it while I turned away. Unfair!

And just when I was starting to try to envision a life without this imaginary family I've grown attached to over the past year, something changed with him. A coworker who he trusts and admires came back from maternity leave. They had a candid conversation about his recent doubt over and she told him "I'm a pretty negative cynical person but I haven't had a bad day since she was born. Even when my grandmother died, I wasn't that sad because she just brings so much joy to my life. This could be exactly what you need to brings some light to a very dark time in your life." Praise God!

I guess sometimes it just takes a neutral party to help you see things differently. She didn't say anything particularly different from what I've said to him over the past 2 months, but when it comes right down to it, I've got an agenda with him and she doesn't.

I'm feeling more hopeful today but at the same time my evil self is sitting on the right saying "don't get your hopes up. You've been here before. It could all still be stolen."

Infertility Hath No Boundaries

Words I need to say but can't. I am so sorry that I'm so fixated on having a baby that I'm being insensitive and unsupportive.

Today I was bitching and complaining about something he said (3 weeks ago!) and he burst into tears. "I feel like I am being judged like a normal person, like everything is normal. Nothing is normal. I think about him all day every day. I am trying to move forward but I'm dying inside. I never thought I'd miss him this much. I realize now that nobody ever loved me as much as he did."

Infertility takes over everything. Sometimes I wish we'd never decided to have a baby. It's turning me into somebody that I hate. That I'm afraid he'll end up hating, too.

Infertility

OK - I get it. Infertiles seek out and befriend other infertiles because nobody else understands what they're going through and some of it is just too embarrassing to talk to regular people about.

Consider me labeled.

Trying To Conceive Is Making Me Crazy

It's sad how the mind can play tricks on you.

This month, I was just sure I was pregnant, again. Even though we were officially "not trying" this month, we had unprotected sex on day 12 and 14 and since I had a positive ovulation predictor test on day 13, it seemed like we really did "try" after all. At the exact right time.

I started taking (or "using" - I still don't know what to call what I do with them) the Progesterone 2 days after the positive ovulation test but unlike last time, I had some pretty serious pregnancy-like symptoms. Like a big dork, I started taking pregnancy tests 8 days past ovulation.

Cramps starting 10 days past ovulation - no biggy! maybe "my uterus is just growing" (I've read that on a million fertility sites.)

Spotting with cramps starting day 11 - no biggy! maybe it's "implantation bleeding" (I've read that a million times, too.)

And even though I was vehemently opposed to all this infertility hoopla, for the past 2 days I've taken negative pregnancy tests, photographed the test then tried to do all sorts of shit to the picture to visualize a second line that is clearly not there.

I'm ashamed of myself.