Nearly Here

It's almost over. I can tell. I did a test this morning, on CD12 and it was negative. I was so hopeful that I'd willed my left tube open this month.

Like many people's blogs I'm reading this week. I'm ready for 2009 to be over. I don't mean to wish my lift away, but this year has been big ole bitch. I'm glad to see it go. I love that we got married this spring, but other than that, it has sucked balls.

I'm tired of making New Year's resolutions that I never keep. This year, I thought of just making a to-do list. Like...

1. Plant my vegetable garden on time.
2. Learn to sew a quilt.
3. Hem my pants with my new sewing machine.
4. Can more stuff with the bazillion tomatoes I'm planning to grow.
5. RELAX and enjoy the vacation we've got planned for January and February.
6. Start on my book, hopefully with the help of my soon to be newly formed writing group.
7. Start a cleaning schedule and STICK TO IT!

Do you do New Year's resolutions? If so, what's your success rate?

Left Ovary Gets a Star

I had my cycle day 12 ultrasound today and they found 3 beautifully mature follicles.

24mm

23mm

17mm

YAY, Go ovary!

Yeah, but there's just one thing. They're all on my blocked side. That's right folks. My left tube is supposedly blocked and all these babies-to-be are nestled inside my left ovary. Whose a lucky girl?

I just keep praying that the HSG was wrong and that my left tube isn't even blocked. It's a horrific procedure and I can totally imagine why a fallopian tube would freak out and spasm like crazy when out of nowhere, somebody starts shooting dye in it. So, that's what I've told myself. My tube is NOT blocked! In yoga today, I focused all my healing breaths right at my left fallopian tube. I imagined a beautiful gold light there and I imagined exhaling anything that's blocking it right out into the air. I'm positive that it worked!

I also have a horrible story about the cluster eff that I ended up with while trying to get my trigger shot filled. What a nightmare. Keeping it short - I had to give the shot to myself. My weekend had been so crazy and I've been in such a rage these days (I blame the Clomid!) that I could have cared less about sticking a needle in my belly. It was no big deal. It didn't hurt, and I'd totally do it again. I'm sort of glad this happened because on the off chance that I don't get pregnant this cycle, there's a chance we'll be in Vegas next month on the day I'd need to trigger. This way, I can just do it myself. Who needs doctors!

Cycle Day 3 Ultrasound

I had my cycle day 3 ultrasound today. Boy, my clinic runs awfully efficient. I was in and out in less than 30 minutes. I'm not kidding!

This clinic opens at 7:00 am Monday-Friday and 8:00 Saturday and Sunday. Anybody who needs cycle day 3 labs or ultrasounds just shows up between 7-8 during the week or 8-8:30 on the weekend. They give you a number and then call back 4 or 5 girls at the same time. We walked in a group dropping a girl in each exam room along the hall. The ultrasound only takes about 2 minutes then you go back to the waiting room to wait for the nurse.

her "everything looks fine. do you have your Clomid?"

me "yes, I picked it up yesterday."

her "OK start taking that tonight and come back on December 13th (Sunday) for your ultrasound. Bring the trigger with you, you should have refills on that, too."

And that was that. Several hundred dollars for 30 minutes. Infertility is big business!

One Failed Clomid Cycle, Officially

4 days late but it's finally here. Boy, is it here!

Maybe I'm weird but I think the first 2 weeks of the cycle are way better than the last. I can't stand the two week wait. The phantom pregnancy symptoms, the emotional roller coaster of "I think I'm pregnant!" and "There's no way I'm pregnant" is too fucking depressing. I hate it. I much prefer the part where I'm working towards something, rather than just sitting around waiting for an answer.

In writing that last sentence I realize I have a major problem with just waiting. It infects every part of my life. When my husband was still deciding about whether he wanted to try to have a baby, the waiting nearly drove me crazy. And because of that, I nearly drove him crazy. I really struggled to give him the time he needed to work through his natural decision making process. I make decisions rather quickly and then just start working towards the goal. That is not to say that I make decisions haphazardly. In fact, I do tons of research for even the most miniscule decisions. But I do it swiftly, weigh the options, decide then act. It works for me most of the time, but when I have to consider the feelings and pace of another human being (my husband) or acquiesce to my ovaries, I go sorta crazy. The waiting and inaction can really turn me into one crazy bitch.

I think I just had a light-bulb moment. I have no idea what to do with it, but that was definitely a light-bulb.

She Won't Call It Negative, Yet

17 days past ovulation

spotting since 10dpo

negative pregnancy test

I have read all sorts of stuff on the web about Clomid causing a longer than usual luteal phase but I decided to call my RE today, anyway, to ask what I should be doing.

me "I'm 3 days late but with a negative pregnancy test. Does the Clomid cause a longer cycle?"

her "Not really."

me "Well, what should I do?"

her "Wait until you are 10 days late and test again and call me with results. Negative, I'll give you something to make you start. Positive, we'll do blood work and an early ultrasound."

me "I don't think I'm pregnant. I've been spotting since 10dpo just like I was doing before my period in prior months."

her "Well, not necessarily. A lot of women have spotting in early pregnancy."

me "Is it possible that my 'spotting' could have been my actual period?"

her "I don't think so. Your endometrial stripe was 9mm so you should have a normal period."

Just when I'm getting past the sadness of another negative, she throws me a bone. Stringing me along like a bad boyfriend.

On Age

I read a blog post the other day that really resonated with me. Romancing the Stone wrote about how comfortable she was with her age. It's something I've been obsessing about for a year or so. I'm 42 now. I'm 42 now. Wow. Even writing that is weird to me. But when I think about it, I don't think I'd change anything. I needed every single experience I've had to get to where I am today. And, although there are a lot of things I'm struggling with today, I know I'm in a good place.

I find myself staring at mothers I pass wondering how old they are. I constantly think about what it would be like to be the 62 year old mother of a 20 year old daughter and the struggles that might bring. I think about what it could be like for my child to bury his/her mother, maybe even before building a family to cry with. But the funny thing about it is that I never spend a single second thinking about the good things that would come from having a baby later in life. I'm in a loving relationship now for the first time ever. I'm more financially secure than I've ever been. I have the wisdom of a 42 year old woman which could go a long way when giving advice to an impressionable child.

Today I'm trying to embrace my age. To be OK with it. I don't want to view it like a fertility death sentence. I'm starting to believe that we AMA's have been negatively convinced by all that we read and all that the doctors tell us, to such and extent that it is really preventing us from getting pregnant. I don't want to be that girl anymore.

First Clomid Cycle

I'm just finishing my first Clomid cycle. Like many others, I was just sure it had worked this time. Then this morning, the spotting started.

100mg on days 3-7. I didn't think the side-effects were that terrible. Not like I expected. Although I did have some sort of emotional breakdown over this old country grandma on Wife Swap.

To be honest, I was just so happy that I even responded to the Clomid. My FSH was 12 when I had it tested a few months ago. And I'd read that that usually means you won't respond well to ovarian stimulation drugs. I ended up with one 20mm follicle and two 13mm follicles on my right side. This is the side with the open tube but only a partial ovary. I triggered on day 12. Then the TI started. I really hate it. It's so unnatural and stress-inducing for both of us. We only managed to hit around 12 and 26 hours.

I guess I'll do another cycle. I'm curious to see what happens on my left side, assuming that I alternate ovulation like normal people. I think what happens on the left might give me a better idea of how seriously I should consider IVF.

I'm close to conquering my caffeine addiction. I've reduced my intake from over 800mg per day to under 100. I'm hoping after tomorrow I'll be caffeine free forever. I've had some really terrible, and surprising side-effects that I just knew were early pregnancy symptoms. Like insomnia. Who ever heard of caffeine withdrawal causing insomnia?

And I'm still having that pelvic discomfort from ovulation to my period. I don't even want to think about what that could be.

So, that's that. I can't believe we've been trying for 8 months already. Depressing.